Forcefully trying to conquer my calling, I made the first crawl towards inching out of my comfort zone. I’m what someone would call selectively anti-social. It comes from being a very comfortable introvert. So when asked to accompany my girlfriend to a super bowl party, I barfed at the thought. “Uh no thanks!” Is my answer for EVERY invite to anywhere where I actually have to interact with more that three people who I don’t know. However, with a little babying and the absolute fact that I have a hard time telling her no I hesitantly accepted her offer.
For the first hour I somewhat regretfully sat in the comfortable chair staring out at pool whilst simultaneously watching ‘Insecure’ on my phone. Unfortunately that became old really quick when battery decided to leave me lonely…. I absolutely positively have no interest in the football phenomenon, but with my phone dead I was forced to look at something besides the holes in my jeans. Then a group of people asked if I wanted to play ‘Uno’. I hesitantly agreed with an “okay sure I guess,” and to my surprise it wasn’t all bad. It wasn’t all good either. But, it wasn’t the worst thing on the social list.
Moral of the story, one step at a time. A inch can take you a mile. As for my Monday inch, I smiled more at work. But, that’s another story for another day.
Until next time….
We all live in this self satisfying comfort zone. Wishing hoping and praying that a change is going to come. “Something good is going to happen to me today,” type of thinking. You can’t get to your calling by staying in your comfort zone, you can’t have both faith and worry. You can’t believe and be hopeless. Pick a struggle and stick to it. Either you sit there and wither away or in the great words of Langston Hughes fester like a sore. Or….. or get up, get out, and move. Everyday life passes us by. Life goes on this constant trip of “I have time,” when in reality you don’t. Time is a fragile thing these days. Not to even mention the political down pore that is having a huge affect on it. So MESSAGE…Live. Today. Get up. Get out. And if you need someone to hold you accountable by all means I can be here. And to not only be the voice of reason but to also hold myself accountable every day I’ll post something new about me edging out of my comfort zone.
Until next time….
I have been put in a position to question who I am and what I want. I have been put in this position more than once and frankly more often than I’d hope for. These limits I have put on myself have not been of my own choosing but the choices of others. Their words, their actions, their reasons for life itself. The tragedy. The mere thought that I could have/ would have even stoop so low to listen to someone who has never been where I want to go. TRAGIC.
If nothing breathe. If anything breathe. Take it all in. If someone is giving this much bad advice and is trying so hard, they must have an end game of jealousy. Breathe. Relax. Sit back. More importantly don’t give up. If the sirens ring, don’t give up. If the news announces that the world is on fire, don’t give up. Rise up, spark fire. Breathe. Run. Catapult into your destiny. Do the thing that scares you the most and then get scared. But most of all, DONT GIVE UP.
She was an enigma… Is an enigma? Lost and confused by most standards, bonkers. She was wild like a flower, free from stress and distress. She let her tresses flow in the way that only the wind knew how to blow. She walked in silence and it spoke. Loudly she proclaimed, I AM. To be only a figment of her imagination, because of course this was all in her imagination. In reality….
She was stuck. A constant circle of mishaps, that just so happen to have happen before. This constant circle of life she proclaimed was slowly killing her, dragging her on the floor. She craved for excitement and adventure, a longing for more. She was down on her luck, could not find the exit door. She prayed and prayed, sitting still, waiting for an answer. She worked as hard as she could, if not harder… still no answer. Loudly she proclaimed, I AM. To be only a figment of her imagination, except this was life and she could not find her escape.
She was dreaming of a love that could only be a dream. Too many Nicholas Spark novels, she watched on the screen. She thought to herself, ” if this could only be.” She prayed and prayed, thinking, “this cannot be me.” But like a dove she ascended from the pavement of the past. She looked as fresh as the first time, time made her laugh. Furthermore, I smiled with excitement to think that something finally came. A love like no other, better than the last. Loudly she proclaimed, I AM. To be only a figment of her imagination, hoping, wishing, and praying, that this wasn’t her imagination. She craved it. Finally, a dream come true. Now if only the rest of her life could break the cycle too.
But she was indeed was an enigma, longing for something more. Any exit would be a good exit if it gave her an open door. Just a second to breath and second to loose herself in a moment of time. Because time would be her only friend, because in the end that’s all you have in life.
Imagine minding your own business, now imagine your life being interrupted in the mist of your happiness. Do you wonder why?
KARMA. the rotating presence of my life. Circling everything I do or say. Hitting back hard quick not once but twice. And to say to myself what did I do deserve someone like you. She sits back and laughs “no one deserves me, I’m Karma I pick and choose”. She is a thief in the night. A spy for the right. She takes no name she cashes checks and leaves what you’ve done in the past to blame. But I simply ask her in the mid of the night. What did I do to deserve someone like you. She sits back and laugh. ” which story will you choose?” I’m baffled and confused. Looking for my mind cursing the sky for thoughts I hope I’d never loose. Always taking a friends flame. No emotion. Feeling like everything will be okay for me. Consider me hopeless. Letting go of someone who would die for me because I couldn’t grow, getting their karma for the feelings I refused to show. Being abused and playing victim. All in the name of love I AM THE VICTIM. choose your witness your honor. “CAN YOU HEAR ME!?” I’m screaming out but she just sits back and laugh I’m Karma I’ve seen the past hold your answers because I didn’t ask. The bitch is bold. She has no remorse. She plays her cards right. Never folds. So choose your choices wisely and watch the things you say, because Karma’s always watching and she never comes to play.
For the past four months I have been I search for myself. I vowed on January 1 that I was going to be less of what other people wanted me to be and become more of me. The first step to that was finding out who I was. In transition to find myself i knew I had to first find my creator. Not my mother or father, but my father in heaven. So I joined or rather started going back to church. I found a really great church full of life with the best mission ever, “Love God, Love people, and Change the world.” And it just seemed to be love at first sight. The first time I went I felt something move in me that had been off for a while. I’ve always been a believer of Christ I just hadn’t put him to use in a while.
So after that first day, later that night I sat in my room and poured my heart out to God. I cried and cried and asked God to help me find my purpose. Because the light that guided me had went out a long time ago. And my life had started to reflect a Christless life. I only seemed to pray when it was convenient, or when I needed something. When times were hard and I just felt like giving up. Yes, you’re suppose to pray in these times but also praise God when the sun is shining, and the birds are chirping.
So I started over. I gave less of me and more of him. I also realized that Godliness is next to cleanliness, and that my body was a vessel that held my spirit. So if my spirit was going to be for God, if my mind was going to be for God then so does my body. My three week fast of no fast food some how turned into two months. My two months have turned into four and so far I’ve lost seven pounds. I also joined a gym and started eating healthier. I’ve joined a fitness group that not only believes in a healthy lifestyle but also Christ.
In turned out that searching for myself, I have found something more incredible, and better than anything that I could imagine. The reason for this post is that on this journey I’ve been reading more and watching more things that teaches about Christ. I just finished watching the movie God is Not Dead and literally cried through almost the entire thing because that’s how powerful it was. It took one guy with faith the size of a mustard seed to stand up to a entire class room the price the existence of God. Even when the devil (the professor) would throw some very hard punches the guy still did not budge. Nor did ever doubt hisself or the existence of God.
And it just really seems to amaze me that the devil will do absolutely any and everything to discredit him. To make you believe that life is better without him. But Romans 8:31 states it best IF GOD IS FOR ME, WHO CAN BE AGAINST ME?
At the end of the movie, it prompted that I send a text to everyone in my phone, I decided to text the world instead…..
GOD IS NOT DEAD
obsolete : a substance used in dyeing or chemical operations
b : a substance used as a medication or in the preparation of medication
c according to the Food, Drug, and Cosmetic Act (1) : a substance recognized in an official pharmacopoeia or formulary (2) : a substance intended for use in the diagnosis, cure, mitigation, treatment, or prevention of disease (3) : a substance other than food intended to affect the structure or function of the body (4) : a substance intended for use as a component of a medicine but not a device or a component, part, or accessory of a device
: something and often an illegal substance that causes addiction, habituation, or a marked change in consciousness
I am a drug. I cannot be sold or bought. I am the worse kind. I am bi-sensual. I can give you the best and worst feeling. I am calming, a force of nature. Created by nature, and rewritten by man. I cannot be recreated. There is no generic form of me. I am brand name medically necessary. What effect I have on you depends entirely on you. I do not work the same for everyone. For some I heal. I treat. I cute their cancerous lives and make them anew. For others I am the pain that allows them to toss and turn at night. I am their anxiety and their depression. I was created on good. However, abuse me, use me and mix me with toxicity, I am the cause of misery.
I am a human. I am a lover never a fighter. I am the tree of life searching for soil to plant my roots and grow. I am the midnight star, a tracker searching for the way home. I am night; silent and calm…day; loud and wild. I am STRONG. COURAGEOUS. SMART. ELEGANT AND INTELLIGENT. I INSPIRE IN MY OWN WAY TO ASPIRE. I WAS CREATED IN HIS IMAGE. BORN OF SIN. I AM WASHED IN INIQUITY. I SERVE A PURPOSE….
My purpose is never to serve you. I can heal you with my words, with my actions. I can make you feel warm and welcomed. I can protect you with my love. I can shelter you with my arms. I can listen to all your worries, and be there with a shoulder when you need to cry. I can console and adore. Admire with all the joy in the world. However what I cannot do is fail. I can not fall where there is no cliff. I am what you make of me.
I am a DRUG. Purpose use for companionship, loyalty, love, and peace. But mix me with your negativity and I will be your pain.
I am. (period) in the making of. (Period) a strong feeling, evolution, Revolution, a toxic drug.
I saw. (period) the makings of. (Period) greatness, faintness, quite the opposite if you were to ask them, but on the contrary they were both the same.
Insane, insanely beautiful, exquisite, insane, insanely in love with me. (Period)
Me. Who am I or rather who am I not? (Question mark) carried the weight of the world on my shoulders, she was beauty and beauty was in the eyes of the beholder, so I tried to hold her…down, but some how life got flipped turned upside down,(pause) yo baby yo baby yo, please hold my hand, touch my heart, stare into my eyes and don’t let me go.(period)
She was my enigma. Every thing I dare not dream, walked in her grace, with her pace, radiant smile, sunlight shining upon her face,(pause)… Let go. She let go.
Don’t let your dreams only live in your dream.
Upon the completion of my very long binge watching of Gossip Girl, and realizing who was in power the entire time, it made me realize that I too have power. Not much but enough over my life…and since I am on this journe of self discovery I want to discover myself by telling my story. Not one of mega interest but one that is mixed with how I truly have viewed myself these past years. They say if you can go back and retrace your steps, you can see where you got off track. Well, I am off track, on a plane, and in a entirely differnt country. But, nevertheless, I will find my way home to my true self.
Now of course my memory isn’t one for the books so some instances may be far fetch. But this my truth and luckily I have at least eight years worth of journals to help me out. So if you are interested in finding out how I went from driven Shemeka, to day by day lotto dreaming Nomie, sit back relax and let your imagination run its course. My did and that is how I ended up here.